Nighttime Wrestling

24 And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for

the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”  27 And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.”  28 Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.

 

Before Jacob met up with his brother, a reunion coming after a 20-year separation, following a painful and life-threatening parting...before the brothers met up again, Jacob needed some time for reflection and repentance. He needed to take stock of his life and make some decisions before he re-entered his homeland...the land that had been entrusted to him. Jacob needed to face who He was and who God was in his life.

This account reminds us that God is with us in our times of reflection and self-disclosure. In fact, it is God who draws us to such moments. Jacob knew it was time to return home. He knew it was time to face his estranged family. God was nudging these decisions, but He wouldn't let Jacob go until Jacob acknowledged the deceptions he had inflicted on his family.

Sometimes we know the right (the righteous) thing to do, but we resist.

• It may mean giving up something we have "earned," something we treasure. Jacob was ready to turn over flocks and herds in order to appease his brother.
• It may mean admitting we were wrong. Jacob bowed seven times before approaching his brother, humbling himself, acknowledging an unworthiness before Esau.
• It may mean giving our life. Jacob was ready to meet his brother, remembering Esau's anger against him, not knowing whether 20 years apart had soothed the murderous rage. Jacob was ready to meet his brother Esau, to settle the past between them...even if that meeting cost him his life.

But during the dark and lonely night, Jacob gained something new. In the struggle of the night, Jacob faced up to the person he really was. Jacob struggled against the deceiver he had been and the peacemaker he wanted to be. This time of wrestling and struggle with God was a time of confession and repentance. It was a time before God when Jacob acknowledged the deeds of his life and their consequences. He squared off against God...and came away changed. Jacob left that battle with a permanent limp...and a new identity. No longer was he Jacob the Deceiver. Now he was Israel, who had wrestled with God (and mankind)...and overcome. He had not defeated God in the struggle--he had lived through it. He could now face his brother, even with the possibility of death, because he had been through a greater struggle. 

 

God calls us to the dark, lonely times when we must face who we really are...those lonely, sleepless nights that sap our strength and hope. If we give in and acknowledge our deeds, we find God's mercy and forgiveness. We walk away from the encounter changed. If we continue in the battle, God will intervene with something that causes us to let up. Will His intervention bring us to the moment He longs for...the moment of confession and repentance? That remains in our will, but the battle will go on. 

 

I've had my battles. Years of insomnia were sleepless nights of wrestling with what I had done in my life. There was no peace. God called me to do the right (the righteous) thing, but in my pride, I could not confess my sin. The insomnia continued. It continued after my confession until I could accept Jesus' forgiveness. It continued after knowing I'd been forgiven. I suffered with the wrestling in literal insomnia until I could forgive myself. And once Jesus showed me how that could happen, I've had years of nighttime peace.  

 

It was difficult to accept who I really was--a sinner. It's so much easier to deny sinfulness, or re-write what sin is. But then come the sleepless nights when the unconscious mind tries to reconcile the voice of the conscious. Accepting sin as God defines it leads to confession, which leads to repentance...the healing of deep wounds begins. It begins, and continues today. The road to healing is a road of many miles and I have not completed the journey. But thanks be to God! I don't walk them alone. Jesus, my shepherd, walks them with me.